37 hours...and counting! What to expect...

That's right, we leave Guangzhou, Lord willing, in 37 hours!  And a mere 24 hours beyond that, we will land in Atlanta!  Words can NOT express how ready Trace and I are ready to be home, and out of this hotel room!  While we have treasured these first 2 weeks getting to know Micah, and him getting to know us in an intimate environment, we are ready to be in sweet home.  We are ready for our whole family to be together!  AHH!  I get so excited thinking about it.  

On our dinner "cruise":)  The sights were actually very pretty!

We wanted to write a "What to expect" letter for yall about what it's going to look like when we get home.  While we are bringing a new son home, it's much different from bringing a new baby home from the hospital.  We wanted to help yall out, and let you know what is going to be best for Micah and our family the next few months.  (thanks Candice for some really good help!!)  

To our family & friends,

It blows our minds when Trace and I think about how much love and support we have received throughout this journey to bring Micah home.  From the bottom of our hearts, we are so humbled and grateful at everything yall have done for us.  It is almost time for us to come home, and we would like to give you an honest idea of what to expect.  I can't believe I just said that.....it's almost time to come home!!! We also want to let you know about what our family will be going through. 

What this will be like for Micah:

Unlike bringing a newborn home, Micah already has a view of the world.  Before he left the orphanage, he already knew from where he would get his meal, how it would be given to him, who would bathe him, and be the source of his care.  He already had best  friends to share his little life with, had favorite toys, and knew what to expect next.  His life may not have been ideal to this point, but it has been HIS life.  He has learned to cope with an unnatural situation of not having parents.  He didn’t even realize she was “coping” with anything, though.  This was just life as he knew it.

While we have had a long time to prepare for our new addition, only your prayers and what little the orphanage caregivers were able to do have helped Micah prepare.  While they did what they could, and he may be saying mama and dada at those pictures we sent him, he can't fully understand that those people are his parents.  He has no capacity to know what parents are. For almost every day of his life, he slept in the same spot and stared at the same ceiling when she was trying to fall asleep.  He had only ridden in a car a few times. He had seen some of his friends leave the orphanage, but never quite understood why they didn’t return.  This new shift in his reality is monumental.   

Because of the trauma he has faced in terms of abandonment at birth, and lack of touch and one on one love and care, wounds have been left and we need to heal those wounds.  Because of this, life for the Ham fam will be very very different than what we're used to for awhile!  

First, we want you to know that this is only a season.  Lord-willing it will be a short season followed by a much, much longer season of our new normal.  Also, please understand that we are leaning on YEARS of expert opinions on adoption; some by professional experts, some by friends who’ve adopted even from the same orphanage, our social workers...etc.  It may not make sense to you, and that’s okay.  We totally get that.  Which is why we are writing this to initially help in understanding!  We want your support, and part of earning that support is helping you understand, so questions are always okay! 

What to expect when we come home:

We are excited to meet family and friends at the airport (our airport party)!   We welcome anyone who wants to be there.   “Welcome Home” signs, taking pictures and making video would be a great blessing to us!  You have no idea how ready we are to see familiar faces!

We hope that our flight will be relatively uneventful, and that we will have been able to sleep.  However, realistically, even at its best, it will be a LONG trip.  We will have spent around 24 hours in airplanes and airports by the time we land in Atlanta.

We will be very tired when we come home.  It is a 13 hour time difference from China to Central time.  We anticipate jet lag for us and for Micah for the first 2 weeks home. 

We will need a different kind of support than when we brought home Taylor, Gray and Cayden from the hospital. 

Our approach to the first few months home:

We do ask that you don't ask to hold him or give him anything at the airport.  If you have special gifts, I know he will love them, but we'll need to initially save them for later!!  His sister and brothers will have a gift for him.  And he will have a gift for them.  Other than that, we feel that it would be best to wait for other gifts (or give them to us, and we will give them to Micah once we are at home). 

We also ask that you allow us to spend our first moments in the airport introducing our children to each other and reconnecting.  After the kids have had their opportunity to meet their new brother and to get a big fat squeeze and and smooch from us, then it's ok for others to hug us and to meet Micah (while he is being held in our arms).

Micah has a pretty strong case of stranger anxiety.  Please don’t be offended if your offer to hug us is met with blank stare!  This will be his first taste of “foreigners” en masse.  As of now, these “foreigners” have been the minority.  Every outing we have here in China he sees people groups he expects to see.  Things you may not even think are scary may scare him.  For example, blue eyes may scare him.  Most likely, he has never seen blue eyes up close before.  Just remember, you can do everything right, and he will likely still be scared of you.  This is okay.

A cute pic, to keep your interest in this LONG post:)  Micah and Becca Fei:)

After the airport, we're going to try to lay low for a while.  In the adoption community it is called "cocooning".

We understand that this is going to be hard for everyone involved.  However, we are trusting all of the attachment/adoption experts on this.  We will focus our time on connecting as a family of six.  For the first couple of months, we will live a pretty "boring" life.  Limited trips out, and limited time with visitors.    This does NOT mean we don't want visitors meeting our new son, however our time will just have to be limited for a little while to keep from overwhelming him.

It will take time for her to understand that we are her parents.  We are starting at a place where she has no concept of parents or family. 

Also our parenting will look very different.  He has lived his life, up until this point, in an orphanage.  He has shared a room with around 10 other babies/kids, and he has had to do what has been necessary to survive and to thrive.  Once we are home, helping her find security in her new family (mommy, daddy & brothers) is very important to her attachment in the long run.

What do we mean by attachment? There are many articles and studies and professionals who can speak to this; but for a child who has experienced loss, finding a secure place is very important. Even if he is very happy and energetic, at the core he is still not sure what is going on yet. For him to thrive he needs to know that we will take care of him. He needs to know that he doesn't have to charm his way into being fed or getting a toy or being held.  He needs to know that he can give up his survival mode.  While we feel, initially, he has begun this process very well.  He seems to be attaching here.  But when we get home, out of his familiar surroundings, we need to be ready for things to be completely different.

We don't want anyone to have their feelings hurt or feel that we are keeping him from all of you. That is so not the case.  Everyone in our family, our precious friends and our college ministry family has been a HUGE part of this journey!  From helping us financially, physically to helping us emotionally and spiritually, we are so humbled by you and eternally grateful for you.  So, we are asking you to join us on the second part of this journey.  This isn't the glamorous part.  This is when we parent and love and grow into a forever family with a new child who has come from a hard place.  The reality of his past doesn't go away, even when she maintains a playful disposition. Prayerfully, with time, he will develop a strong sense of security and true joy in his forever home and family.  We are trusting the Lord for this, and look forward to seeing His faithfulness!

What you can do:

*Please allow us to feed him, hand him toys, food, and anything else he needs.  It is important that we are the only ones to meet his needs (ALL of his needs) at this time.  Trust me, Trace and I will be VERY ready for a good date night soon enough, and look forward to Micah joining his brothers and sister for a good babysitter night!  

*If he reaches for you, go ahead and smile at him, but please point to us.

*Please don't give him any gifts at this time. If you want to give him something so she knows it is from you, you can hang on to it, and we will let you know when it is appropriate to start giving him gifts.  If you do have a special gift that you want him to have now, you can give it to us, and we will give it to him at home.

*We are so so so thankful for how well our kids have been loved at home while we have been in China!  Truly, it's made our hearts so full knowing that they are being showered with love and attention.  Please continue to remember as we come home they will continue to need some special TLC too as their world is changing too!

*Please feel free to bring meals, call or text to check up on us, or anything else you would normally do for a family that has just added a child.  Just bear with us and understand that we will need to limit visits to very short/front door meetings for the most part.  (This will keep Micah from getting confused and/or nervous with lots of people coming in and out of the house as he will still have stranger anxiety.  Again, we will be focusing on teaching him who our immediate family is!)

We know that this is a lot to ask. And we know this is going to be hard for the first few months. We've always considered it a monumental blessing that our kids have strong, loving, Christ centered relationships with so many people, and we want the same for Micah. However, it's going to have to come at a slower pace. We have been taught that if a child connects more with someone else, rather than the parents, in the first few months, it can delay their attachment by months. So, we are grateful that you all understand and are going to allow us to have a different approach for a few months.

As his parents, we have to be his voice and make the best decision for him and help him to thrive in the best way possible.  We really appreciate all of your support in this adjustment.  Thank you for loving us, giving us so much grace, and being with us through all of this. We WELCOME you to the next phase with us! 

We don't know exactly how long this will take; but we've been advised to cocoon (lay low) for the first three months home.  So, that's where we will start.  It is really going to depend on Micah, and how he adapts.  We will be following his queues.  Please keep praying for us!  We will be posting trying to post updates on the blog, regularly. :)

I really enjoy being behind the camera and capturing candid pics, but I had to get in some with this ham too!:)

These precious children we have been with since Gotcha day almost 2 weeks ago.  Their beautiful faces and the families they represent will always have a very special place in my heart.
Ivy Ann, Oliver, Micah and Becca Fei

Please feel free to contact us or ask us in any way if you have any questions on attachment or cocooning.  We aren't sure how crazy things will be; but we promise to be open and honest.  We appreciate all of your grace during this next phase. We feel as prepared as we can be, but are depending on the Lord to lead us in this next stage, as it is so unknown.  The comfort comes, in knowing He will.  He is SO faithful.

"Your lovingkindness oh Lord extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the skies."  Psalm 36:5